This isn't a new problem but it's new to us, and I need pointers. My elderly father has begun to more and more frequently express his anger and other negative feelings in inappropriate ways, and help is needed for best practices in boundary-setting and coping in a situation where we can't simply DTFMA. My father is in his early eighties. He has emotional and mental issues which have begun to badly affect his relationship with his family. He characterizes an yelling, angry outburst -- which happens whenever he is ashamed, angry, etc. -- as merely an expression of annoyance. (That is not an age-related issue, as it's always been this way.)
As he is aging, I believe he feels more shame over various things (memory loss, infirmities, etc.), but he is expressing them in a abusive way. In disagreements, he won't engage in calm problem-solving but merely coldly withdraws himself from the situation, even with his immediate family.
He is not physically abusive. He might be called verbally abusive but in many ways is not: he seems to express shame, confusion and other negative emotions solely through explosive, angry outbursts he then immediately characterizes as not-an-outburst. But he is also frequently loving and there is no doubt he cares, as expressed through many different ways. We are not talking about the kind of personality of the sociopath abuser, who does loving things to make sure he can continue to abuse.
He is almost certainly not willing to go through a cognitive exam, and thus far will not be counseled by either his minister or a therapist. He does have a primary care physician. It occurs to me as I write this that the problem might potentially be neurological, based on his medical history, and I'll bring that up to my mother.
Were I reading this from someone else, my initial reaction would be very binary: cut this person out of your life. The problem is that's just not going to happen. No one around him is going to willingly leave him.
When someone like this must remain in your life:
First, if the goal is to keep some sort of calm sanity and love, where do you lay the boundaries down (on which lines, which behaviors)? What things is it reasonable to say "I will not let this be violated"? And how do you communicate them to someone in this sort of situation?
Second, what other advice do you have for coping with or adjusting to this kind of a situation?
For both of the above, I ask for answers both for me as an adult child who visits and communicates with him, but also for how I might advise my mother. Advice, or books, or linkage are all welcomed.
(Despite all of the above, he is not a monster. Please do not see him that way. He is a good dad and I am trying to finally just give up on anything that might cure, and instead find protective routines where we can all co-exist as peacefully as possible, since restoration won't be possible.)
As he is aging, I believe he feels more shame over various things (memory loss, infirmities, etc.), but he is expressing them in a abusive way. In disagreements, he won't engage in calm problem-solving but merely coldly withdraws himself from the situation, even with his immediate family.
He is not physically abusive. He might be called verbally abusive but in many ways is not: he seems to express shame, confusion and other negative emotions solely through explosive, angry outbursts he then immediately characterizes as not-an-outburst. But he is also frequently loving and there is no doubt he cares, as expressed through many different ways. We are not talking about the kind of personality of the sociopath abuser, who does loving things to make sure he can continue to abuse.
He is almost certainly not willing to go through a cognitive exam, and thus far will not be counseled by either his minister or a therapist. He does have a primary care physician. It occurs to me as I write this that the problem might potentially be neurological, based on his medical history, and I'll bring that up to my mother.
Were I reading this from someone else, my initial reaction would be very binary: cut this person out of your life. The problem is that's just not going to happen. No one around him is going to willingly leave him.
When someone like this must remain in your life:
First, if the goal is to keep some sort of calm sanity and love, where do you lay the boundaries down (on which lines, which behaviors)? What things is it reasonable to say "I will not let this be violated"? And how do you communicate them to someone in this sort of situation?
Second, what other advice do you have for coping with or adjusting to this kind of a situation?
For both of the above, I ask for answers both for me as an adult child who visits and communicates with him, but also for how I might advise my mother. Advice, or books, or linkage are all welcomed.
(Despite all of the above, he is not a monster. Please do not see him that way. He is a good dad and I am trying to finally just give up on anything that might cure, and instead find protective routines where we can all co-exist as peacefully as possible, since restoration won't be possible.)
