How can I help long distance with elderly parents one of which has Alzheimer's and the other who is just difficult. A few years ago my mom was diagnosed with Alzeimer's. I live on the west coast and my parents are on the east coast. My older sister lives about an hour and a half from my parents. At this point my sister has really been amazing with trying to set my parents up in dealing with my mom's Alzheimer's. She helped them get a caregiver in the house several times a week and also found an adult day care/memory group for my mom to attend several times a week. We try to work together both doing research and both coming up with ideas. But for sure she has taken on much more then I have. She has also pushed hard that my dad try to create a daily schedule for him and my mom as routine is generally recommended for Alzheimer's patients.
My dad unfortunately is having a really tough time dealing with everything. But here's the thing, my parents have always had a dysfunctional relationship. My father has for years been verbally abusive to my mom. They were the classic father goes to work and mom stays home to take care of the house and kids marriage. Now my mom can't really take care of herself. My dad often says derogatory things to my mom when she forgets stuff or does things because of her disease. Now I don't wanna make my dad out to be the complete bad guy...he has put in the effort to try and get the best care for my mom, make sure she takes her medicine, is now cooking and doing some cleaning, and trying to create a routine. But he's terrible about sticking to the routine and has become resentful that his "retirement" which was supposed to be about traveling and working on his artwork is now all about taking care of his wife(his words) and he continues his verbal abuse.
My sister keeps trying to set things up to help but my dad is always a challenge to get to agree to do something that is helpful to my mom. I'm out on the west coast and I don't know what to do. I was home a couple months ago...my dad is very disorganized and continues his verbal assault on my mom daily. I've tried talking with him about things but he gets defensive. From a distance he won't stay on the phone long enough to chat with let alone have any major heart to heart.
I've made it clear that I'd like to help from a distance, making calls to places, research...anything but my dad doesn't take me up on it. I know my sister has taken on most of the burden...and I feel guilty about it every day. I've had thoughts of moving back east but my wife and I have established our lives on the west coast. I'd be willing to go out and spend several months out there and try to change things...don't know if that'd help. My dad has always viewed me as the baby...even as an adult he does not take me seriously.
My sister has basically used up all her patience with my dad and because of how difficult he is, she is beginning to distance herself because it's affecting her mental health. She wants them to get a "manager" to take over as she can't handle the late night calls of my mom crying saying how miserable she is with my dad. And of course all this chaos only makes my mom suffer more.
I know there is SO much going on here but if anyone has any suggestions as to how to deal with all this and what I can do to help...I'd be very happy to hear some advice.
My dad unfortunately is having a really tough time dealing with everything. But here's the thing, my parents have always had a dysfunctional relationship. My father has for years been verbally abusive to my mom. They were the classic father goes to work and mom stays home to take care of the house and kids marriage. Now my mom can't really take care of herself. My dad often says derogatory things to my mom when she forgets stuff or does things because of her disease. Now I don't wanna make my dad out to be the complete bad guy...he has put in the effort to try and get the best care for my mom, make sure she takes her medicine, is now cooking and doing some cleaning, and trying to create a routine. But he's terrible about sticking to the routine and has become resentful that his "retirement" which was supposed to be about traveling and working on his artwork is now all about taking care of his wife(his words) and he continues his verbal abuse.
My sister keeps trying to set things up to help but my dad is always a challenge to get to agree to do something that is helpful to my mom. I'm out on the west coast and I don't know what to do. I was home a couple months ago...my dad is very disorganized and continues his verbal assault on my mom daily. I've tried talking with him about things but he gets defensive. From a distance he won't stay on the phone long enough to chat with let alone have any major heart to heart.
I've made it clear that I'd like to help from a distance, making calls to places, research...anything but my dad doesn't take me up on it. I know my sister has taken on most of the burden...and I feel guilty about it every day. I've had thoughts of moving back east but my wife and I have established our lives on the west coast. I'd be willing to go out and spend several months out there and try to change things...don't know if that'd help. My dad has always viewed me as the baby...even as an adult he does not take me seriously.
My sister has basically used up all her patience with my dad and because of how difficult he is, she is beginning to distance herself because it's affecting her mental health. She wants them to get a "manager" to take over as she can't handle the late night calls of my mom crying saying how miserable she is with my dad. And of course all this chaos only makes my mom suffer more.
I know there is SO much going on here but if anyone has any suggestions as to how to deal with all this and what I can do to help...I'd be very happy to hear some advice.
