My elderly mom has suddenly succumb to what seems to be severe mental illness. She lives in a state 2 days drive away from me where she has no friends or relatives. She refuses to move near me. I work full time and cannot afford much in the way of travel expenses so this is very, very hard. She never appointed a power of attorney while she was well so doctors will not speak to me and though I have consulted with a lawyer, I know I could never afford one without bankrupting myself. My mom refuses treatment and has cut off contact with me and basically everyone who cares about her. She hasn't yet threatened to kill herself or anyone else so the authorities will not step in. I feel helpless and like I have no options and perhaps I don't. AskMeFi is my last resort. Background: My mom suffered some terrible, heartbreaking losses within a the past year. More than any person should have to deal with honestly. About a month ago she started acting very unlike herself. My mom is normally a shy, quiet, easygoing person with typical introvert tendencies. She has never broken a law in her life. Now she is loud, outgoing, extremely talkative and often angry. She's also done some alarming things such as take an impromptu road trip and crashing her car; refusing to stay in her home and instead staying in hotels until she could no longer afford to stay there which ended in one of the hotels calling the police on her; having tantrums in public; calling 911 repeatedly; and giving away all of the personal belongings to a random prostitute she met in said hotel.
When I first learned of what was going on via a relative who has now recused himself entirely from the situation, I came up to where my relative was housing her in a different but closer city to her home. The first thing I did was take her to the ER where they basically cleared her of any physical health issues. Then I took her for a behavioral health assessment, where they did make her an appointment with a psychiatrist and recommended intensive outpatient treatment. My mom flew the coop and started her big adventure outlined above before any treatment could happen.
For lack of any diagnosis, I strongly suspect my mom has bipolar disorder that has come on unusually late in life. It runs in our family and though my mom has never had a manic episode before that I'm aware of, she has been depressed her entire life.
What's been tried so far:
-behavioral health treatment - she doesn't believe she's sick and won't go
-seeing a regular doctor - they just urge us to go to the ER again and my mom won't do that
-crisis intervention - we've tried this several times now and the consensus from those in charge is that she is not sick enough for involuntary commitment
-NAMI- I have been in touch and while they were wonderfully supportive and I feel like the only people who believed me or took me seriously, so far their advice so far hasn't panned out or seems like it may be more successful for someone who has more resources/closer proximity
-I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help - this is a book recommended by NAMI as a way to learn to listen/talk to mentally ill people so they will listen. It is a great book. However, I cannot talk to my mom as she has blocked me on her cell and unplugged the landline and blames it on her phone carrier somehow -she doesn't actually seem to be mad at me. She also does not have internet
-Wellness checks: I can't do these anymore because my mom's large dog has been acting aggressive toward people who come to the door and I'm afraid the police might shoot the dog, further traumatizing my mom
-Home caregivers: See above. They are afraid of the dog and I absolutely do not blame them or expect them to put up with that
-Care/case managers: Made a few phone calls that were never returned. Not even sure how this would work
-Guardianship: did a free consult with a lawyer and they made this seem like it would be impossible, and even if it was possible it would ruin my life and finances
-Going up there in person and dealing with everything - I did this last month and it was all for nought. I'm still trying to catch up with my work, finances and personal life. I plan to go up there again sometime in the future but I'd like to have a better plan or some glimmer of hope I can affect anything at all before I do
Some Things We Have in Our Corner:
- I do have some decent people to support me emotionally but I also feel like I have a lot of other people who are judging me harshly while not being willing to do anything themselves
- My mom who is currently nearly penniless is about to receive a large inheritance, which if managed wisely should be enough to take care of hear in modest but comfortable circumstances the rest of her life. I, however, have no control over how this money will be spent or handled, and I worry she my blow it all at once in her manic state. The people overseeing this whole thing (including an attorney) have decided that since I've been unable to get a diagnosis for my mom, that she is okay to receive this money
-My mom did have me put on her checking account so I should be able to see if she's being taken advantage of or if her spending is out of control
-My mom currently does not have access to a car though she's really starting to agitate about this from my intermittent contact with her. I believe her having a car would just lead to more "road trips" and crashes
Where I Draw the Line:
-I will not move to my mom's city to be her caregiver. I worked hard to build a happy life in my city and I refuse to leave it. I would in completely honesty, be delighted to be mom's caregiver if she would agree to move to my city. I had always assumed this would happen at some point (well not this, but the caregiver thing) and I've always looked forward to the idea of having her closer to me. If I moved to my mom's city, I would likely lose my job and possibly my partner.
I feel like my mom has somehow set everything up to make it impossible to help her. I will be honest- there is a disturbing manipulative quality to her illness sometimes and I feel I can not trust what she says. I also feel there are no medical, legal, financial or practical resources out there for us. I can't be the first person with a mentally ill elderly parent. What do you do in a situation like this?
When I first learned of what was going on via a relative who has now recused himself entirely from the situation, I came up to where my relative was housing her in a different but closer city to her home. The first thing I did was take her to the ER where they basically cleared her of any physical health issues. Then I took her for a behavioral health assessment, where they did make her an appointment with a psychiatrist and recommended intensive outpatient treatment. My mom flew the coop and started her big adventure outlined above before any treatment could happen.
For lack of any diagnosis, I strongly suspect my mom has bipolar disorder that has come on unusually late in life. It runs in our family and though my mom has never had a manic episode before that I'm aware of, she has been depressed her entire life.
What's been tried so far:
-behavioral health treatment - she doesn't believe she's sick and won't go
-seeing a regular doctor - they just urge us to go to the ER again and my mom won't do that
-crisis intervention - we've tried this several times now and the consensus from those in charge is that she is not sick enough for involuntary commitment
-NAMI- I have been in touch and while they were wonderfully supportive and I feel like the only people who believed me or took me seriously, so far their advice so far hasn't panned out or seems like it may be more successful for someone who has more resources/closer proximity
-I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help - this is a book recommended by NAMI as a way to learn to listen/talk to mentally ill people so they will listen. It is a great book. However, I cannot talk to my mom as she has blocked me on her cell and unplugged the landline and blames it on her phone carrier somehow -she doesn't actually seem to be mad at me. She also does not have internet
-Wellness checks: I can't do these anymore because my mom's large dog has been acting aggressive toward people who come to the door and I'm afraid the police might shoot the dog, further traumatizing my mom
-Home caregivers: See above. They are afraid of the dog and I absolutely do not blame them or expect them to put up with that
-Care/case managers: Made a few phone calls that were never returned. Not even sure how this would work
-Guardianship: did a free consult with a lawyer and they made this seem like it would be impossible, and even if it was possible it would ruin my life and finances
-Going up there in person and dealing with everything - I did this last month and it was all for nought. I'm still trying to catch up with my work, finances and personal life. I plan to go up there again sometime in the future but I'd like to have a better plan or some glimmer of hope I can affect anything at all before I do
Some Things We Have in Our Corner:
- I do have some decent people to support me emotionally but I also feel like I have a lot of other people who are judging me harshly while not being willing to do anything themselves
- My mom who is currently nearly penniless is about to receive a large inheritance, which if managed wisely should be enough to take care of hear in modest but comfortable circumstances the rest of her life. I, however, have no control over how this money will be spent or handled, and I worry she my blow it all at once in her manic state. The people overseeing this whole thing (including an attorney) have decided that since I've been unable to get a diagnosis for my mom, that she is okay to receive this money
-My mom did have me put on her checking account so I should be able to see if she's being taken advantage of or if her spending is out of control
-My mom currently does not have access to a car though she's really starting to agitate about this from my intermittent contact with her. I believe her having a car would just lead to more "road trips" and crashes
Where I Draw the Line:
-I will not move to my mom's city to be her caregiver. I worked hard to build a happy life in my city and I refuse to leave it. I would in completely honesty, be delighted to be mom's caregiver if she would agree to move to my city. I had always assumed this would happen at some point (well not this, but the caregiver thing) and I've always looked forward to the idea of having her closer to me. If I moved to my mom's city, I would likely lose my job and possibly my partner.
I feel like my mom has somehow set everything up to make it impossible to help her. I will be honest- there is a disturbing manipulative quality to her illness sometimes and I feel I can not trust what she says. I also feel there are no medical, legal, financial or practical resources out there for us. I can't be the first person with a mentally ill elderly parent. What do you do in a situation like this?