How do my sister and I come to grips with having to help our Abusive Father who is now having cognitive issues? My father who is in his mid 70's recently had a brain hemorrhage. Up until this happened which was about a month and a half ago he was independent. To add to the equation, my mom has Alzheimer's and he was her caregiver for about 4 years until she was placed in a memory facility where she's actually doing very well.
My dad was abusive to me, my sister, and for sure my mom. The abuse was verbal and psychological, not physical. But it absolutely took it's toll on all of us. I believe my mom's Alzheimer's was accelerated because of the daily barrage of abuse from my dad for many years including after she was diagnosed.
I wanted to also provide some more info...I live on the west coast. My mom and dad are on the east coast. My sister lives on the east coast, about an hour and a half away from mom and dad.
I have spent the last month living with my father and helping out with driving him places and taking him to doc appointments and trying to take care of bills, etc. My sister, while she never ever physically stays at my father's house, has tried to help him with logistical things like getting my mom into a home, and helping with bills. But she has, and for good reason, kept her distance from my dad. When my mom went to a home several months ago, she virtually cut off contact with our dad unless absolutely necessary.
Now, given my dad's condition there is a TON on our plate. Both my sister and I are sacrificing a huge amount of time away from our families, losing time and work with our careers, and taking the blows of an abusive person who not only belittles us at every turn, but shuts us down from trying to help unless we really push him hard. And then he yells at us for not helping him. He is behind on bills, and is extraordinarily aggressive about telling us we're lying to his doctor to stop him from driving.
My sister is close to just stopping helping him all together. To be fair she has dealt with more since she's closer geographically. I've been consistent with talking to my dad on the phone every day for a long time and trying to be in his life. I've also come home almost every other month this year...even before this happened. I was mostly coming for my mom. And as much as I hate my dad, I never wanted to cut him off. But now, I think we're both starting to question our future with an abusive parent who now needs our help... it's torture trying to help him. It was torture having him in our lives. All the while, our family and work lives beginning to to unravel.
When I found out what happened to my dad and I booked my flight come home I almost had a nervous break down because I knew what was coming and what will be needed for who knows how long. I have had borderline suicidal thoughts since being home with my dad.
I know this is a very hard situation and no one has a solution. My sister seems very close to throwing in the hat. My dad's recent brain scan says the swelling has gone down and he is potentially going to get better but tough to say if that will really happen or when. I'm not sure I could fully turn my back on my dad. But my mental health as well as my sister's mental health is really fragile right now. We have part time caregivers in place to drive my dad places and help out around the house once I leave which will be soon. The driving for him is really the biggest concern. But I'm feeling pretty hopeless and helpless right now. I know I'll need to come back to help out in a couple months. But not sure if my sister and I have it in us to continue, but don't know what choice we have. Any words of wisdom or advice is greatly appreciated.
My dad was abusive to me, my sister, and for sure my mom. The abuse was verbal and psychological, not physical. But it absolutely took it's toll on all of us. I believe my mom's Alzheimer's was accelerated because of the daily barrage of abuse from my dad for many years including after she was diagnosed.
I wanted to also provide some more info...I live on the west coast. My mom and dad are on the east coast. My sister lives on the east coast, about an hour and a half away from mom and dad.
I have spent the last month living with my father and helping out with driving him places and taking him to doc appointments and trying to take care of bills, etc. My sister, while she never ever physically stays at my father's house, has tried to help him with logistical things like getting my mom into a home, and helping with bills. But she has, and for good reason, kept her distance from my dad. When my mom went to a home several months ago, she virtually cut off contact with our dad unless absolutely necessary.
Now, given my dad's condition there is a TON on our plate. Both my sister and I are sacrificing a huge amount of time away from our families, losing time and work with our careers, and taking the blows of an abusive person who not only belittles us at every turn, but shuts us down from trying to help unless we really push him hard. And then he yells at us for not helping him. He is behind on bills, and is extraordinarily aggressive about telling us we're lying to his doctor to stop him from driving.
My sister is close to just stopping helping him all together. To be fair she has dealt with more since she's closer geographically. I've been consistent with talking to my dad on the phone every day for a long time and trying to be in his life. I've also come home almost every other month this year...even before this happened. I was mostly coming for my mom. And as much as I hate my dad, I never wanted to cut him off. But now, I think we're both starting to question our future with an abusive parent who now needs our help... it's torture trying to help him. It was torture having him in our lives. All the while, our family and work lives beginning to to unravel.
When I found out what happened to my dad and I booked my flight come home I almost had a nervous break down because I knew what was coming and what will be needed for who knows how long. I have had borderline suicidal thoughts since being home with my dad.
I know this is a very hard situation and no one has a solution. My sister seems very close to throwing in the hat. My dad's recent brain scan says the swelling has gone down and he is potentially going to get better but tough to say if that will really happen or when. I'm not sure I could fully turn my back on my dad. But my mental health as well as my sister's mental health is really fragile right now. We have part time caregivers in place to drive my dad places and help out around the house once I leave which will be soon. The driving for him is really the biggest concern. But I'm feeling pretty hopeless and helpless right now. I know I'll need to come back to help out in a couple months. But not sure if my sister and I have it in us to continue, but don't know what choice we have. Any words of wisdom or advice is greatly appreciated.