My mother died unexpectedly last week at the age of 64, more than likely of a heart attack, and the whole family has been in shock and upset. She had some serious health issues that she neglected (both to treat and to tell us about) and it basically was the end of her.
One of the biggest things she did was being the primary caretaker of our dad who will be 79 next month. So now we're left with trying to figure out what to do... The roller coaster of emotions surrounding her sudden death is very painful and I think the family is basically just trying to take it one day at a time with mixed results.
A few days after after her death we received a call from his PCP (who was also her PCP). Aside from his condolences he let us know that dad basically has dementia (not specifically know to us before), that he shouldn't be left to live alone, he needs care much like having a baby and that we should consider things like assisted living and maybe down the line a nursing home.
What?? what?!? whaaat??!?!? He had a stroke a couple of years and seemed to have suffered language and oral communication deterioration but dementia was new news to us. He's had hand tremors for years but that was not attributed to any neurological causes. His peripheral vision was affected also. He has had heart surgery in the past, was a cigarette smoker for years before that (not now) and recently with the stroke his medication list has grown.
At the risk or rambling on, please forgive me if I do, we don't know what the heck to do! Not even sure what questions to be asking or what resources to be consulting or where to even begin.
The facts are that between myself and 1 brother, our SOs who all have full-time jobs and 3 toddlers between us, our physical and mental capacities are stretched thin already. I thought I was stressed out before with 2 kids a mortgage and the horrible snowy winter this year but this takes it to a whole other level.
We live about 25-30 minutes (Winchester and Reading) away from dad (Watertown) and work about an hour's or so commute away (Needham and Worcester). So I don't that we could sustain going to see him everyday to make sure he takes his meds correctly for long term. He get confused and take his before/after breakfast meds at once. Or the other day he took the evening medication in the morning.
This is in eastern Massachusetts: Watertown is where dad lives in kind of an elderly independent living apartment complex. He has a visiting nurse come maybe once or twice a week (not sure). They had another woman coming in who was supposed to be a home aid from the same agency but my mom befriended her and I think maybe she didn't do all the things she is required to do like laundry or house cleaning etc... but she would take my mom food shopping or go for her if the weather was bad.
The visiting nurse and aid have already put in a request for more hours for my dad but we don't know if that will be sufficient. So what do we do about that? He is on Medicare and MassHealth so there is a possibility that some services will be covered but we certainly could not afford a situation like assisted living or nursing home.
We're trying to speak to his PCP to figure out what his plan of care is and what appointments he's got coming up.
We've spoken to the bank to have one of us be on the checking account to pay bills. He receives a yet unknown amount from SSI monthly. We have an appointment with SSI next month.
I don't even know what else there is to deal with, that's one thing we need help with. Another thing that we need help with is figuring out what to do long term.
Some of the ideas that are being considered are technological like a medication dispensing device that will simplify that process, I know there are some that will send out an alert if a dosage is missed etc...Another thing is maybe putting a webcam so we can keep an eye on him for whatever good that would do. There are motion sensors and things that we could install that would allow us to monitor him but I don't know how useful they are and a cursory glance at some options I've found online has shown that some of this is costly.
Non-tech things: Do we need an attorney for anything? Is it a good idea for one of us to have power of attorney? health proxy? Are there any social services we can/need to/should pursue? What else? or instead?
The life insurance policy we had for mom was practically useless when it came time to use it for the funeral expenses. Guaranteed life but only pays out the premiums +10% if you've had it under less than 3 years. So probably another thing we need to review.
These are all things that mom would have been good at figuring out :(
She would complain to us to a mild degree about dad and what she had to deal with but never led us to believe that it was this bad. And we didn't know about any serious cardiac issues until we started going through her documents and saw letters from her doc urging her to seek treatment. Had we only known. This has been my worse nightmare for a long while, to have mom go before dad, and now it's happened.
I know this is a lot to ask from strangers on the internet but...damn if this isn't anxiety/panic attack inducing stuff!
Thanks in advance for any and all contributions. I can check in and answer any questions if needed periodically.
A few days after after her death we received a call from his PCP (who was also her PCP). Aside from his condolences he let us know that dad basically has dementia (not specifically know to us before), that he shouldn't be left to live alone, he needs care much like having a baby and that we should consider things like assisted living and maybe down the line a nursing home.
What?? what?!? whaaat??!?!? He had a stroke a couple of years and seemed to have suffered language and oral communication deterioration but dementia was new news to us. He's had hand tremors for years but that was not attributed to any neurological causes. His peripheral vision was affected also. He has had heart surgery in the past, was a cigarette smoker for years before that (not now) and recently with the stroke his medication list has grown.
At the risk or rambling on, please forgive me if I do, we don't know what the heck to do! Not even sure what questions to be asking or what resources to be consulting or where to even begin.
The facts are that between myself and 1 brother, our SOs who all have full-time jobs and 3 toddlers between us, our physical and mental capacities are stretched thin already. I thought I was stressed out before with 2 kids a mortgage and the horrible snowy winter this year but this takes it to a whole other level.
We live about 25-30 minutes (Winchester and Reading) away from dad (Watertown) and work about an hour's or so commute away (Needham and Worcester). So I don't that we could sustain going to see him everyday to make sure he takes his meds correctly for long term. He get confused and take his before/after breakfast meds at once. Or the other day he took the evening medication in the morning.
This is in eastern Massachusetts: Watertown is where dad lives in kind of an elderly independent living apartment complex. He has a visiting nurse come maybe once or twice a week (not sure). They had another woman coming in who was supposed to be a home aid from the same agency but my mom befriended her and I think maybe she didn't do all the things she is required to do like laundry or house cleaning etc... but she would take my mom food shopping or go for her if the weather was bad.
The visiting nurse and aid have already put in a request for more hours for my dad but we don't know if that will be sufficient. So what do we do about that? He is on Medicare and MassHealth so there is a possibility that some services will be covered but we certainly could not afford a situation like assisted living or nursing home.
We're trying to speak to his PCP to figure out what his plan of care is and what appointments he's got coming up.
We've spoken to the bank to have one of us be on the checking account to pay bills. He receives a yet unknown amount from SSI monthly. We have an appointment with SSI next month.
I don't even know what else there is to deal with, that's one thing we need help with. Another thing that we need help with is figuring out what to do long term.
Some of the ideas that are being considered are technological like a medication dispensing device that will simplify that process, I know there are some that will send out an alert if a dosage is missed etc...Another thing is maybe putting a webcam so we can keep an eye on him for whatever good that would do. There are motion sensors and things that we could install that would allow us to monitor him but I don't know how useful they are and a cursory glance at some options I've found online has shown that some of this is costly.
Non-tech things: Do we need an attorney for anything? Is it a good idea for one of us to have power of attorney? health proxy? Are there any social services we can/need to/should pursue? What else? or instead?
The life insurance policy we had for mom was practically useless when it came time to use it for the funeral expenses. Guaranteed life but only pays out the premiums +10% if you've had it under less than 3 years. So probably another thing we need to review.
These are all things that mom would have been good at figuring out :(
She would complain to us to a mild degree about dad and what she had to deal with but never led us to believe that it was this bad. And we didn't know about any serious cardiac issues until we started going through her documents and saw letters from her doc urging her to seek treatment. Had we only known. This has been my worse nightmare for a long while, to have mom go before dad, and now it's happened.
I know this is a lot to ask from strangers on the internet but...damn if this isn't anxiety/panic attack inducing stuff!
Thanks in advance for any and all contributions. I can check in and answer any questions if needed periodically.
