Growing up, my family was squarely middle class. But that didn’t make it easy.
My father was an alcoholic with a vicious temper. He was incredibly emotionally abusive, and on occasion, he was physically abusive. Think “The Great Santini”, minus the military elements. And minus the supportive mother.
My mother – whom my father abused just as much as he did us – put up with every inch of it. What’s more, she basically took it out on us children, keeping herself cold and distant while never once acknowledging his faults.
Now they’re dying, and man, are the guilt trips heavy. It was a miracle that none of us ended up dead or in jail. Seriously, it got very close to that at times. My father unsuccessfully attempted suicide, and one of us nearly killed my mother, literally. All of us children developed issues with drug and alcohol abuse at an early age.
My siblings and I all left home as soon as possible. We all moved thousands of miles away. And since then, we’ve all managed to put together successful lives, although I’ve never had a desire to have children. Luckily, I managed to find a wife who also had no desire for children, and we’ve been happily married for 20+ years.
But that’s more a testament to my wife’s patience than my ability to heal or reconcile. I fully admit that I have an intense fear of emotional intimacy, and I still have a deep reservoir of rage and anger at my core. My wife, who clearly deserves better than me, has put up with my inability to provide her with emotional support.
Now my parents are in their 80s, and their health is failing. They’ve mellowed over the years, but they are still highly manipulative and incurably dysfunctional. My father actually abandoned my mother while she was in the hospital in another state undergoing serious heart surgery.
But they’re both expecting me and my siblings to swoop in and start taking care of them now. We are fighting each other not to do it. None of us can stand to be around them for more than two or three days. The last sibling to try to visit them ended up leaving in a rage after a day and a half.
But we are the target of endless guilt trips now. “Your mother is dying, and if you don’t come take care of her, you will regret it,” my father keeps saying. My mother, for her part, has guilt trips of her own to lay on us.
I want someone to tell me I’m not an evil person for wanting to stay out of it. My father, ever the Christian, is begging me to forgive and forget. And while I acknowledge the value of forgiveness, I’m not sure being a Christian requires me to submit myself to ongoing abuse and manipulation.
My wife, while she is extremely understanding, came from a comparatively idyllic family, and she doesn’t quite get it. She sees my parents as they are now, not as they were when I was a child, so she’s a lot more sympathetic to their current plight. She wants me to go take care of them now.
Can someone who’s experienced this kind of situation offer me some thoughts or advice?
My siblings and I all left home as soon as possible. We all moved thousands of miles away. And since then, we’ve all managed to put together successful lives, although I’ve never had a desire to have children. Luckily, I managed to find a wife who also had no desire for children, and we’ve been happily married for 20+ years.
But that’s more a testament to my wife’s patience than my ability to heal or reconcile. I fully admit that I have an intense fear of emotional intimacy, and I still have a deep reservoir of rage and anger at my core. My wife, who clearly deserves better than me, has put up with my inability to provide her with emotional support.
Now my parents are in their 80s, and their health is failing. They’ve mellowed over the years, but they are still highly manipulative and incurably dysfunctional. My father actually abandoned my mother while she was in the hospital in another state undergoing serious heart surgery.
But they’re both expecting me and my siblings to swoop in and start taking care of them now. We are fighting each other not to do it. None of us can stand to be around them for more than two or three days. The last sibling to try to visit them ended up leaving in a rage after a day and a half.
But we are the target of endless guilt trips now. “Your mother is dying, and if you don’t come take care of her, you will regret it,” my father keeps saying. My mother, for her part, has guilt trips of her own to lay on us.
I want someone to tell me I’m not an evil person for wanting to stay out of it. My father, ever the Christian, is begging me to forgive and forget. And while I acknowledge the value of forgiveness, I’m not sure being a Christian requires me to submit myself to ongoing abuse and manipulation.
My wife, while she is extremely understanding, came from a comparatively idyllic family, and she doesn’t quite get it. She sees my parents as they are now, not as they were when I was a child, so she’s a lot more sympathetic to their current plight. She wants me to go take care of them now.
Can someone who’s experienced this kind of situation offer me some thoughts or advice?